Motivation

I remember in my psychology class in college, that I was struck with a "hmm" with the idea that everything we do has a motivation. Its a simple idea, really.  A profound one though, I felt at the time.

It is true, of course.

I know that for me, my expectations of myself have changed drastically as my motivations have matured. In college my motivation was related to education, finding a husband, and taking care of me. When I got married, my motivation for everything changed to being about me and my husband. If I thought my motivations were self-sacrificing then, I got a real slap in the face when I had kids...talk about a shift in motivation!

I have mentioned recently how my relationship with God has grown, as I have embarked on this journey to know a more peaceful and simple life. I think, looking back I can see that a big part of my moving foward down the road has been a change in motivation.

I see that my focus on my home, my family and my life in general has shifted to more about using what God has given me better. No longer am I motivated by simply having an ordered home, but rather that my home reflects peace and encourages a better relationship with God for everyone here.

Making our motivation more God directed, we are not just settling for the "best I can do" but rather "all that God has planned."  Strangly, I am finding that I am more content with less, I can let go of things easier, I can be okay with less than perfect ..but its because I am motivated by what God wants for me, not what I want for myself, or what the world says I should want.

I dont just want to keep peace in my relationships, because I am motivated by God in my own life and want to enourage that in others, so I have to get in sticky situations sometimes.  I dont just want to provide food for my family, I want to be a good steward of my resources and so I put the effort forth to spend wisely.  I dont just want to be happy in my marriage, I want to encourage my husband to be his best and so I must sacrifice, love unconditionally and keep my mouth shut sometimes.

What is motivating you? You may find that what you have let be your motivation is putting more weight on your shoulders than is needed, or that you are not living up to your god-given potential. I know I have been there, and am trying to keep that motivation true.

Naturally

I have considered quite a bit as of late, how we are so inclined toward what is "natural" to us.

Of course we are.

Not just in the human sense, where we desire love and have to struggle against the carnal desires we have to suppress on a daily basis. I am talking about the things we struggle against that are as easy to us as breathing. Like, our emotional inclinations at any given time, the desire to dish to someone when we get upset, our desire to be silent when we are angry, how we say what we think, or dont tell anyone anything.

Thinking about this in terms of God's resources and how we use them, in what ways do we use the resources God has given us without even thinking about it? ..and how do we misuse them?

Thing is, that God made us how he made us on purpose, no argument there. He also had plans for how he wanted us to use those resources. Satan has a great plan as to how we can misuse them as well. And that is as true for those things that come "naturally" to us as not.

Sometimes the ways that using our resources feels the most "natural" is not the way God would want us to use them at all. 

Here are some examples ...

If you are one who speaks her mind ...you can naturally disregard how your words affect others, because you are just "saying it like it is"

If you are one who are shy by nature ...you may resist building Christian relationships and seeking out godly friends

If you are an emotional gal ...you may react in ways that hurt others, and use your feelings to justify it

If you are the brainy type...you could have less than loving degrees of compassion towards others

If you are by nature a leader ..you may use your influence to gain attention for yourself, rather than God

If counseling or teachings others is as easy as breathing ...you may put too much pride in your words, and talk when you should listen

If you are naturally inclined to plans ..you may struggle with letting God lead, and letting others guide
 
If you are are giddy over order ...then you may give undo worry to areas where God is the only order, and that is as it should be


All of these things are ways that God has blessed us gals, each to different degrees. He has given us "everything we need" in these areas so that we can do the tasks to which he has called us, but how many of our own struggles are because we follow our nature? We do what comes naturally to us, and so it seems right at the time...but if it is not Christlike, then it is not the way God intended us to use those resources that he gave us "naturally".

To refer to a recent post (here), we have to find balance between knowing and accepting what God gave us, and not being so comfortable with our "nature" that we ignore how Satan has used it against us. We have to be aware of both extremes - being too comfortable, and too uncomfortable.

No longer can we use what comes "naturally" to us as a justification for doing things that God would not claim - yes, God made us how He made us, but if we arent using what He gave us how he intended then we falling short of what we could be doing for Him.


For me, this thinking brings this verse to light a bit more ...

"Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires."

Romans 8:5

Just because it is natural to me, is not warrant to misuse my resources ..God specifically states that the Spirit cannot work under those conditions.


Blast ..I got more work to do than I realized ;)

On learning

I went to the library today with my kids and found myself pondering a phase I am in these days. In working on my other blog, Domestic Disarray, I found a quote that really spoke to me - "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful" (William Morris). This quote is currently my driving force for all aspects of my life - my house, my things, my ideas, my activities, everything.

So with that in mind, I have made some decisions about the important things in our life. One such thing is that I want to fill our lives with that which is superb and thought-provoking and beautiful. So much in our world today is just plain crap. It's poorly conceived, poorly constructed, poorly executed. So I have decided to immerse myself in those things that through generations people have declared "worthy". Just as a way to indulge in this little quirky moment in my life.

As an example - my husband and I are watching "classic" movies - those movies that have stood the test of time and audiences and have been deemed valuable. And I am reading books that have inspired millions over generations. (Starting today with "The Name of the Rose" by Umberto Eco. Can't wait to dive in!) And I am seeking out ways of doing my daily tasks that are simple and full of life. I'll let you know how it goes.

But one area that I find myself pondering over and over again is the area of learning. I have to say that I love to learn. Really I love it. I have an insatiable appetite for learning. It's not the knowledge I love. It's the experience. The feeling of your head filling with new ideas and new connections. And I want to pass this on to my children. I want them to believe that every moment, every thought, every conversation is an opportunity to learn and to grow. Because I do believe that growth only happens through learning, in whatever form it takes at that moment. I want to work with my girls to inspire curiosity and amazement. But how do I do that? How do I make every moment (or as close to every moment as I can muster) a chance to learn? I'm working through that these days - I'll let you know what I come up with. In the meantime, what are your thoughts on it?

On Love and Longing, Part 1

When I think of entering heaven, I picture waking up in a field.

I have no idea where I got that image from, and I think it is a fairly recent development, but I definitely have clear visions of "coming to" in a sloping meadow surrounded by rolling hills and little yellow flowers and a bright blue sky with a light breeze. (Wow, writing it all out sounds a lot more detailed than it is in my mind.) And in my mind's eye, the way I put together that I'm dead is that Michael is sitting there grinning at me.

And it is Michael, jubilant Michael, that I want to see. And now, it is also Uncle Rob, walking proudly toward me, beaming from ear to ear.

And that strikes me as a bit odd. I mean, shouldn't I want to see...um...God? The Bible doesn't even make it explicitly clear that heaven is a big reunion with all of our loved ones. After all, Jesus says that people are not married in heaven. Who's to say that we even know each other? So...it seems a bit misguided that my defining pictures of heaven are of people I might not even see, rather than the God who created me.

But here is my new conclusion to that conundrum: I believe that in picturing the people I loved most on this earth, I am picturing the clearest conception of God that I have.

For some time now, I have struggled to figure out how my natural love for my family fits in to Jesus' admonitions to hate your father and mother and His praise for those who leave their families to follow Him. I just haven't been able to see how my familial love and His words are compatible. But I think I am beginning to understand.

I believe that storge love, the Greek word for love of family, is a gift that God gives us in order that everyone might see His face. Storge love is supposed to be completely natural, and the fact that it often isn't speaks to our depravity. Because that love is a gift. And the reason that God gives us a degree of natural love is because that is His essence. He exists in love. In Matthew 25, Jesus tells the people that when they served "the least of these" in love, they were serving Him. What I get from that is when we love people actively, we meet God in them. Thus, actively loving our families allows us to see God. And that's why when I picture reunion with God, my clearest picture is my brother.

The beauty of Christianity is that storge love is only a starting point. As amazing and powerful as it is, it is merely a doorway into agape love, which is unconditional love for everyone. Storge is merely the deposit that shows us what love can be. Agape breaks that amazing love out of the relatively narrow confines of blood relations and spreads it to the world. The more we embrace agape love in our lives, the more we see the face of God. The more we agape, the more we know God and experience God. The more we agape, the more we live life to the fullest.

And that's how I reconcile my deep, abiding love for my family with Jesus' call to serve everyone. We serve others, not at the expense of our family, but in addition to our family. Jesus' words about hating/leaving our family are just a strong way of warning us not to stop at storge love, but to pursue agape. Storge love is like the talent that the king gave his followers, in Jesus' parable. Agape love is how we multiply that talent. When we neglect agape for the sake of storge, we misuse God's gift to us.

This line of thought excites me. It not only helps me to understand the relationship b/t my love for my family and my love for others, it also shows me how that love is one of the most powerful ways to know and to see God.

More on being an emotional creature

In pondering further what it means to be an emotional creature, I want to expound on my last posting. I read the comments, and it reminded me again what a difficult subject emotions are to deal with fully. The response to my last post was one of concern over the unrestrained expression of emotion. That fear is one many parents grapple with as they try to raise their children to be civilized adults. Watching their children scream in rage during a tantrum makes them, as it has me about my own children, to wonder if their children will ever learn to cope with strong emotions. The best research in child development says yes they will, if their parents teach them the tools they need to cope. But parents can also make a decidedly negative impact in their development by stunting their ability to experience and express these emotions.

Children who are taught that emotions are inappropriate because of gender (i.e., you shouldn't cry because you are a boy) or virtue (i.e., you should be strong and being strong means not showing emotional weakness) will grow up to be adults who are not fully developed emotionally. These adults often require counseling to learn the skills they were not taught as children.

To further clarify, let me give you a few scenarios of adults and how they might handle strong emotions.

1) A man has had a difficult day at work. When he arrives home, tired and angry, he finds his child has broken something valuable in the house. He gets even angrier and beats his child. This man feels and expresses a very deep emotion, anger. But is he fully realized in his emotional development? Absolutely not. His response to this emotion is child-like in its unfettered aggression and is extraordinarily hurtful to those around him. This man experiences but cannot express emotion properly.

2) Another man is in the process of getting divorced. He tries to be strong for his children, but the stress and sadness of the end of his marriage takes its toll. Unable to let himself grieve for his loss, he begins drinking to forget the pain. Is he fully realized in his emotional development? No. His response to sadness is not to allow himself to acknowledge it but instead to self-medicate with alcohol. This man cannot allow himself to experience his emotions, much less express them properly.

3) Another man is struggling financially and sits down with his wife to talk about their circumstances. He acknowledges his anger over her seeming carelessness with spending and explains his frustration in dealing with a tight budget and his fear for their future. He asks her for her help in maintaining their budget. Is he fully realized in his emotional development? Much more so. I'm sure this man does occasionally lose his temper and says things he doesn't mean, but he makes an effort to acknowledge his feelings and to respond to them in a constructive and loving way.

So what does it all mean? For me and my family, not much except to keep doing what we are doing. We try day in and day out to teach our kids about emotional expression, just like we do about friendships and healthy food and God's love for them. But just as I get angry when parents do not teach their children to be nice to others or to enjoy healthy food, I find myself angry when they do not encourage healthy emotional development in their children.

Sometimes, even more so. For the way we deal with our emotions impacts our decisions about food and our ability to maintain healthy relationships and our understanding of God. Without healthy emotional experiences and expression, we can't live as fully functioning adults. And if we as parents don't teach it to our kids, neither will they.

Perspective is Everything

I dont have a fabulous quote for you girls.. :) but I have been pondering deeply about how much perspective plays into our relationships in our lives.

Now, I am not talking about just how we see a certain situation (aka, their kid has cancer and mine just has a cold) but how our view on life in general and overall plays into our relationships.

Our perspective on how we see ourselves...as important to the system around us, or being run over by it
Our perspective on how we see the world around us ..as safe, or out to get us
Our perspective on conflict ..if it signifies failure to connect, or nutures it
Our perspective on disagreement ..as a challenge, or an encouragement to think differently
Our perspective on change ..as a good thing, or something that strikes fear in your heart
Our perspective on marriage ...as a fly by night institution or a permanent gig
Our perspective on our strengths ...as making us better than the next gal, or a tool in the hand of God
Our perspective on our weaknesses ...a sign of impending failure (yet again!), or a challenge to be better
Our perspective on criticism...a challenge to my character, or chance to improve myself


Our perspective effects everything we think and the ways we react to people, no matter what relationship we have with them.

Also interesting to me, is how a change in perspective or having the wrong perspective can change everything!  So often, in the midst of a conflict with someone it is easy to see how a simple change in the way they see the overall picture can change their anger to compassion, their frustration to patience or their right to wrong.

The key, is being willing ..ever willing, to change the perspective that you have. If not change yours, then simply be wiling to see anothers' point of view. 

I am praying alot right now, that God will shake up the perceptions I have that are not right. I am praying for Him to move me to the vantage point that I can see things from a more godly angle, so that my perspective is based on truth and not my own opinions.

Any thoughts?

Being an emotional creature

"I am an emotional creature. I am connected to everything and everyone. I was born like that. Don't you dare say all negative that it's a teenage thing or it's only only because I'm a girl. These feelings make me better. They make me ready. They make me present. They make me strong.... What we would all be if the big door inside us flew open. Don't tell me not to cry. To calm it down, Not to be so extreme, To be reasonable. I am an emotional creature. It's how the earth got made. How the wind continues to pollinate. You don't tell the Atlantic ocean to behave.....I am an emotional creature. Why would you want to shut me down or turn me off? I am your remaining memory. I am connecting you to your source. Nothing's been diluted. Nothing's leaked out. I can take you back. I love that I can feel the inside of the feelings in you, even if it stops my life even if it hurts too much or takes me off track even if it breaks my heart. It makes me responsible. I am an emotional, I am an emotional, devotional, incandotional, creature. And I love, hear me, love love love being a girl." --Eve Ensler, I am an Emotional Creature

Melodramatic. Irrational. Emotional. High-maintenance. I have been told all my life that I feel too deeply, express too fully, experience too strongly. I have been told that I shouldn't be angry, I shouldn't be sad, I shouldn't be feeling. I know better now. As Eve Ensler writes, "I am an emotional creature." But really, so should all the people around me.

Too many people in our world collapse in on their emotions, afraid the wall will crumble and their vulnerability will show. Their machoism and brash demeanor hide that which we all feel - sorrow, excitement, joy, anger, hatred, love, jealousy, caring. I have always felt for them. But now I loathe them. As a mother, I have the unending task of molding my children in fully functioning human beings. It is my duty to ensure their growth is not stunted by these small people who think we should not feel.

"Why are you crying like a girl? Boys don't cry. Quit being such a girl."

So went my daughter's lesson in gender roles, through the mouthpiece of her friend's dad to his son. My beautiful girl watched her friend ridiculed for acting like a girl, the way that she is created. And she learned something. Something that I fight daily in this life. My daughter learned in those harsh words that boys can't cry. Boys shouldn't feel. And worse, that her girlhood is of less value because emotions make us weak.

I have often railed against the emotional repression we as a society experience. My husband has nodded his head and muttered supportive phrases. But he realized the heartbreak of it when his little girl told him, "My mommy cries because she's a girl. I'm a girl. You're a boy. You don't cry because grown-up boys don't cry." I watched that man struggle as he tried to undo that knowledge she'd gleaned from the world. Because no matter how much we try to tell her that's not true, at three years old, she already knows that it is.

In Defense of Navel-Gazing

"Let’s think about this path that we’re taking,
Let’s think about this future we’re creating,
Let’s think about this life that is fading,
Think about it, come on think about it now
Let’s think about this time that we’re spending
Investing in monetary things that are ending,
Let’s think about it, and
let’s think together,
And let’s think about what we can do to make it better."

--John Reuben, "Nuisance"

I am a person who compulsively asks, "Why?" It started in school, when I didn't understand why I was learning what I was learning. Why, for example, did I have to learn calculus? What bearing could such abstract math possibly have on my life and in my future? Turns out, I was right to question the usefulness of calculus in my English-loving-brain, but that is beside the point. The point is, I simply have an incredibly hard time doing anything when I don't know why I'm doing it. And so, when I find my day full of the stress of keeping the house clean, doing laundry, and making and cleaning up after meals, I have to ask why. When I spend hours budgeting, clipping coupons, meticulously planning meals and grocery lists, and executing Navy-Seal-level shopping missions, I have to ask why. When I spend much of my day in conversation and play with two toddlers, I have to ask why.

On the surface, the answer to those things is obvious. My house has to be clean to be functional; we like to save money; and I love my kids. But on a deeper level, I feel compelled to explore those things, and to explore deeper things like love and death and God and politics because I want to live a meaningful life. Socrates put this idea in stark terms when he declared that, "The unexamined life is not worth living." I don't know that I would go that far, but I do know that I want to have a full existence. And I'm finding more and more that living "life to the full" is more than what you do; it also has a lot to do with what you think about what you do. Laundry, for example, can be monotonous drudgery, or it can be an opportunity to participate in the divine nature by dying to my own wants and needs. Cleaning the house can be an exercise in futile perfectionism, or it can be an act of worship and gratitude to God for the blessings He has given me. Taking care of my kids can be merely an instinctive obligation, or it can be a purposeful act of molding young hearts and pouring love into them.

The difference between the pointless option and the meaningful option is thought. When I think about what I do, when I ponder and explore the things I see and do, I start to live with purpose.

I am so excited about the opportunity to share thoughts and to receive thoughts from my sisters. I hope and believe that this blog can be a place where we think together about this life that is fading, and where we think about what we can do to make things better.

Perfectionism

I posted this originally on July 27th, 2009 on my Living Peacefully blog. My thinking has returned here alot the past couple of weeks, as Molly knows aleady :) I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself to be okay with what I can do with the resources I have on any given day ..and be okay with being less than perfect. :)

________

I dont know you, necessarily ..but I would guess that I would right to say that, like me..you may struggle with perfectionism at times.

Now, am not a perfectionist. Everything I do doesnt have to be perfect ..I am okay if my house is less than stellar all the time, I dont mind a wrinkle or a stain on the kids clothes, my projects dont have to be without mistakes. I am not a perfectionist.

I do, however, struggle with perfectionism.

That is, if I dont like it when I cant do something all the way, or to the degree that things are just the way that I want to do them, I dont want to do it :) Or, I mentally determine that something isnt worth doing if I have already failed to be able to do that thing, perfectly.
For example, I often talk myself out of drinking the water I need to today, because the day is half over and I havent even started on my 8 glasses. Or, if I dont have time to fold and put away the laundry right now, then I will put it off until I do. Or, if I cant start, work on, and finish cleaning out the closet all today ..then why start?

I know I am not alone in this one :)

I am learning, a little at a time, that my need to complete those things all at once and to the standard that I really want ..may be unrealistic considering my resources at the moment. It may be unrealistic for me to think that any time in the next three years will I have the time it takes to start, work on and finish the garage. But, I may have an hour today, and a couple of other days this week.

I may not have the time to fold and put away the laundry right now, but how bout just folding ..that is one part down, then only one to go next time I have a free minute. I may have not had a sip of water all day, but I can still get 3 in before I head to bed and that is better than none all day.

When I started really paying attention to how I often I let this thought process keep me from doing what needs doing, I realized I do it alot!
 
There is another one I use alot ...I am already 5 months behind in reading my bible every day this year, so why start now? I have missed every other week of the bible study at church up to this point, and I dont want to jump in midway! I have already busted my chances of getting three workouts in this week, so I will just try again next week! :)

We need to make sure that our need for perfection doesnt keep us from doing what we need to do right now, and learn to be okay with doing things less than perfectly. Sometimes, part way is better than not at all, and doing a little here and little there will eventually get you to your goal.

Remember, that God never called us to be perfect. He is glorified in our unperfectness, in fact.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
2 Corithians 12:9

Doesnt that take some of the pressure off? :)

Thoughts over PBJ

So, as moms we know that our lives are filled with a million little thoughts and ideas that never get attention because  ..well, everything ELSE gets attention first! :)

Kim suggested we pool our deep thoughts and create a place to share our ponderings that dont fit into the categories of our OTHER blogs (funny, we each have a themed one that we are writing on right now :) ...I for one think its a great idea so look forward to doing that!

Cant wait to see what deep thoughts we have swimming around in our little heads :)