House of Cards

Lately, I have had several smallish concerns that have begun a type of nagging worry in me. Last night, after yet another worry or two was added to the pile, I realized what my problem was. I had reached a kind of critical mass of worry that allowed me to understand the deep-seated fear behind all the little concerns. From reading the book of Job and from being so close to my brother's birthday, I understand subconsciously that my wonderful, blessed life is actually a house of cards that could come tumbling down any minute.

And I know that sounds negative, but isn't it true? My blessed existence is contingent on so many things, each of which are very fragile: the lives and health of my all my family members, our financial situation, Greg's job. Each of those things can easily change, propelled by forces fully out of my control. And the chaos of this world lurks around every corner. A woman died in a car wreck on 61, just two days ago. Molly's parents' house was broken into yesterday. My various insurance companies are competing to see how high they can arbitrarily jack my rates, despite the fact that I've never met my health deductible or filed a claim on my homeowner's. Luke, yet again, has a nagging cough, signaling the start of a long allergy season and battle with asthma. Also, something in his mouth is hurting, indicating the need for an expensive trip to the dentist.

All of these incidents, from grave to minor, highlight the bigger truth of the fragility of my world. I see very clearly right now that anything can happen at any time. Coolio was right: "Death ain't nothing but a heartbeat away" :). And of course, I always "know" this, just like I "know" that my hope is not in my circumstances, but in God, who will always be with me. The problem is that I often forget that I live in a house of cards; I often start feeling that my life is stable and secure. And then, all it takes is a slight breeze here, a small rattling there, for me to be suddenly made aware of the fragility of my entire existence...and it is always a rude awakening.

I remember when the shooting at Virginia Tech happened. The next week in church, I sat wondering what was keeping some crazy person from walking through our doors and opening fire. Lord knows there are enough crazy people and enough guns to make such a thing a normal occurrence! And sitting there, I realized that the only thing that is holding back such seemingly inevitable chaos is God. And so I picture God's hands around my house of cards, keeping the winds away. If left to the chaotic patterns of this world, I truly believe that my house (and most people's houses) would have been flattened a long time ago.

Now, of course, I know that God might choose to remove his hand. Or heck, from what I've read in the Bible, I know that He might choose to blow the thing down Himself. But what I was reminded of last night is that I do firmly trust in God, no matter what. I know that He will always be with me during this little breath of life, come what may. My house of cards may fall, but the foundation it is on will always remain. And that is what gives me hope and peace in this life.

On darkness

This recent story about a mother who killed her two small boys has really gotten to me. (Before you read the news story, know that I found it very upsetting. Just a fair warning...)

I had nightmares all night last night in which kids were in danger and I couldn't protect them.

So after a bad night of sleep, I picked up the paper this morning to catch up on the world and instead found myself reeling at the story pasted on the front page. I haven't read the whole story. I can't. I see from the headline that the 2 year old fought back as his mother suffocated him. Then I see my 3 year old - my beautiful, well-loved 3 year old - and I feel sick.

I struggle coming to terms with horrors like this because I have no way to understand it. I grieve the loss of these two boys. I feel pain for the pain and fear inflicted upon them. I feel understanding for a mother who is overwhelmed. But I cannot fathom how a mother goes from feeling overwhelmed to killing her children. I have never been in a place so dark that that action would ever seem like my way out. And so I am left trying to fit these pieces together, a momentary glimpse of true darkness in my world of light and laughter. I know these things happen. I know it's because we live in a fallen world - ever since Cain killed Abel, violent death has been a part of life. I know the why - I just don't know the how. How do you watch another person suffer, knowing you are the cause of the suffering, and not care?