Getting my priorities straight

There are times in my life when things just go well. I don't have to think about what I am doing or why because everything just clicks along.

Right now is not one of those times.

I find the hardest part of being a mother is balancing all of the opposing forces in my life.

Being kind and gentle with my kids

...and still keeping firm boundaries for them to live within.

Keeping my house peaceful and orderly

...without allowing the amount of work it takes overwhelm me.

Giving my children the time and attention they need and deserve

...and still having time and energy to be a separate person.

And most of all, allowing myself to be imperfect

...without making excuses for myself at every turn.

This balancing act is difficult for me during the best times; this month with my husband out of town, it has brought me to the point of tears. Thank God for mothers who know we all need a good cry sometimes and who still dry their children's tears, even when their children are mothers themselves.

After pouring my heart out to my mom last night, I have realized how lucky I really am. I am so fortunate to have the luxury of being home with my children, of being the person they call out for when they are hurt or happy or in need of a snack. I am so fortunate to have a husband who is involved enough in our life at home that his absence is felt deeply, no matter how long he is gone. I am so fortunate to have talents that I am eager to use and share with others. And I am so fortunate to be able to set my own priorities, to be my own boss, and to decide what my family is going to care about. Recognizing how fortunate I am does not make the task set before me any easier, but it does make my load easier to bear.

So today I am going to sit down and think about my priorities. Think about what I, and others, have placed in my life and decide whether it's worthwhile. Is it worthwhile for my three-year-old to go to gymnastics, if doing so means that she's so tired the next day, she can't enjoy her time at home? Is it worthwhile for me to have hobbies that I enjoy, if it means that my children tell me I'm mean because I won't play with them? Some of the answers will be no, it's not worthwhile, and some of them will be yes, absolutely. My answers will not be the same as everybody else's, but I'm okay with that. I have this one opportunity to be a mom to my children, and I'm going to do what is best for my family. That's really all any of us moms can do.

Exhale. Return to Center.

I've taken up yoga recently. And I'm finding that what I've always heard to be true is actually true - what started as a way to lose the baby weight and strengthen my body is becoming a spiritual practice that bleeds over into every area of my life. And I have to say that I love it.

There's one aspect of yoga that has really been speaking to me for a while - it's the idea of returning to center. When you are moving through poses, you always start and end at your center, a resting pose where you can take a few deep breaths before moving on to the next pose. If you find yourself unable to complete a pose, you can always return to your center to regain your balance or rest a tired muscle.

In life, we often need to return to our centers, those resting places where we can compose ourselves, take a breath, and prepare ourselves to take the next step. So often during my day, I find myself tired, stressed, and snappy with my kids, unable to complete the tasks that God has laid before me. In these moments, I remind myself, "Exhale. Return to center."

For me, my "center" isn't a physical place (although we all need those places where we can feel peaceful to contemplate our lives). Instead, returning to center is an act of remembering what is most important to me, at the very core of I am.

• My calling - to love God and others
• My desire - to do small things with great love and so to show the world God's heart
• My identity - to be a woman who lives honestly, embracing my strengths and limitations, without allowing the world's judgments to lessen my knowledge of my worth
• My family mission - to create a home where 1) my children feel loved, accepted, and appreciated as God made them so that they can become adults who love, accept, and appreciate others in the same way, 2) where learning is loved and promoted so that my children will grow deeper in their understanding of God and His creation, and 3) where our family values are seen through our actions.

When I strip away all of the other stuff I dump onto my life, this center is what is left. And when I take a moment to return to my center, I am able to more clearly see where my time and energy and love should be placed. It grounds me and pushes me to give up the burdens I place on myself, bringing me peace from the self-inflicted stress I find every day. I can look at my messy kitchen and hear my screaming baby and remember that in the midst of it, my preschooler needs to me speak to her with love instead of anger.

So today when you find yourself straying far from where you want to be, I encourage you to take a moment to exhale and return to center.

House of Cards

Lately, I have had several smallish concerns that have begun a type of nagging worry in me. Last night, after yet another worry or two was added to the pile, I realized what my problem was. I had reached a kind of critical mass of worry that allowed me to understand the deep-seated fear behind all the little concerns. From reading the book of Job and from being so close to my brother's birthday, I understand subconsciously that my wonderful, blessed life is actually a house of cards that could come tumbling down any minute.

And I know that sounds negative, but isn't it true? My blessed existence is contingent on so many things, each of which are very fragile: the lives and health of my all my family members, our financial situation, Greg's job. Each of those things can easily change, propelled by forces fully out of my control. And the chaos of this world lurks around every corner. A woman died in a car wreck on 61, just two days ago. Molly's parents' house was broken into yesterday. My various insurance companies are competing to see how high they can arbitrarily jack my rates, despite the fact that I've never met my health deductible or filed a claim on my homeowner's. Luke, yet again, has a nagging cough, signaling the start of a long allergy season and battle with asthma. Also, something in his mouth is hurting, indicating the need for an expensive trip to the dentist.

All of these incidents, from grave to minor, highlight the bigger truth of the fragility of my world. I see very clearly right now that anything can happen at any time. Coolio was right: "Death ain't nothing but a heartbeat away" :). And of course, I always "know" this, just like I "know" that my hope is not in my circumstances, but in God, who will always be with me. The problem is that I often forget that I live in a house of cards; I often start feeling that my life is stable and secure. And then, all it takes is a slight breeze here, a small rattling there, for me to be suddenly made aware of the fragility of my entire existence...and it is always a rude awakening.

I remember when the shooting at Virginia Tech happened. The next week in church, I sat wondering what was keeping some crazy person from walking through our doors and opening fire. Lord knows there are enough crazy people and enough guns to make such a thing a normal occurrence! And sitting there, I realized that the only thing that is holding back such seemingly inevitable chaos is God. And so I picture God's hands around my house of cards, keeping the winds away. If left to the chaotic patterns of this world, I truly believe that my house (and most people's houses) would have been flattened a long time ago.

Now, of course, I know that God might choose to remove his hand. Or heck, from what I've read in the Bible, I know that He might choose to blow the thing down Himself. But what I was reminded of last night is that I do firmly trust in God, no matter what. I know that He will always be with me during this little breath of life, come what may. My house of cards may fall, but the foundation it is on will always remain. And that is what gives me hope and peace in this life.

On darkness

This recent story about a mother who killed her two small boys has really gotten to me. (Before you read the news story, know that I found it very upsetting. Just a fair warning...)

I had nightmares all night last night in which kids were in danger and I couldn't protect them.

So after a bad night of sleep, I picked up the paper this morning to catch up on the world and instead found myself reeling at the story pasted on the front page. I haven't read the whole story. I can't. I see from the headline that the 2 year old fought back as his mother suffocated him. Then I see my 3 year old - my beautiful, well-loved 3 year old - and I feel sick.

I struggle coming to terms with horrors like this because I have no way to understand it. I grieve the loss of these two boys. I feel pain for the pain and fear inflicted upon them. I feel understanding for a mother who is overwhelmed. But I cannot fathom how a mother goes from feeling overwhelmed to killing her children. I have never been in a place so dark that that action would ever seem like my way out. And so I am left trying to fit these pieces together, a momentary glimpse of true darkness in my world of light and laughter. I know these things happen. I know it's because we live in a fallen world - ever since Cain killed Abel, violent death has been a part of life. I know the why - I just don't know the how. How do you watch another person suffer, knowing you are the cause of the suffering, and not care?

Motivation

I remember in my psychology class in college, that I was struck with a "hmm" with the idea that everything we do has a motivation. Its a simple idea, really.  A profound one though, I felt at the time.

It is true, of course.

I know that for me, my expectations of myself have changed drastically as my motivations have matured. In college my motivation was related to education, finding a husband, and taking care of me. When I got married, my motivation for everything changed to being about me and my husband. If I thought my motivations were self-sacrificing then, I got a real slap in the face when I had kids...talk about a shift in motivation!

I have mentioned recently how my relationship with God has grown, as I have embarked on this journey to know a more peaceful and simple life. I think, looking back I can see that a big part of my moving foward down the road has been a change in motivation.

I see that my focus on my home, my family and my life in general has shifted to more about using what God has given me better. No longer am I motivated by simply having an ordered home, but rather that my home reflects peace and encourages a better relationship with God for everyone here.

Making our motivation more God directed, we are not just settling for the "best I can do" but rather "all that God has planned."  Strangly, I am finding that I am more content with less, I can let go of things easier, I can be okay with less than perfect ..but its because I am motivated by what God wants for me, not what I want for myself, or what the world says I should want.

I dont just want to keep peace in my relationships, because I am motivated by God in my own life and want to enourage that in others, so I have to get in sticky situations sometimes.  I dont just want to provide food for my family, I want to be a good steward of my resources and so I put the effort forth to spend wisely.  I dont just want to be happy in my marriage, I want to encourage my husband to be his best and so I must sacrifice, love unconditionally and keep my mouth shut sometimes.

What is motivating you? You may find that what you have let be your motivation is putting more weight on your shoulders than is needed, or that you are not living up to your god-given potential. I know I have been there, and am trying to keep that motivation true.

Naturally

I have considered quite a bit as of late, how we are so inclined toward what is "natural" to us.

Of course we are.

Not just in the human sense, where we desire love and have to struggle against the carnal desires we have to suppress on a daily basis. I am talking about the things we struggle against that are as easy to us as breathing. Like, our emotional inclinations at any given time, the desire to dish to someone when we get upset, our desire to be silent when we are angry, how we say what we think, or dont tell anyone anything.

Thinking about this in terms of God's resources and how we use them, in what ways do we use the resources God has given us without even thinking about it? ..and how do we misuse them?

Thing is, that God made us how he made us on purpose, no argument there. He also had plans for how he wanted us to use those resources. Satan has a great plan as to how we can misuse them as well. And that is as true for those things that come "naturally" to us as not.

Sometimes the ways that using our resources feels the most "natural" is not the way God would want us to use them at all. 

Here are some examples ...

If you are one who speaks her mind ...you can naturally disregard how your words affect others, because you are just "saying it like it is"

If you are one who are shy by nature ...you may resist building Christian relationships and seeking out godly friends

If you are an emotional gal ...you may react in ways that hurt others, and use your feelings to justify it

If you are the brainy type...you could have less than loving degrees of compassion towards others

If you are by nature a leader ..you may use your influence to gain attention for yourself, rather than God

If counseling or teachings others is as easy as breathing ...you may put too much pride in your words, and talk when you should listen

If you are naturally inclined to plans ..you may struggle with letting God lead, and letting others guide
 
If you are are giddy over order ...then you may give undo worry to areas where God is the only order, and that is as it should be


All of these things are ways that God has blessed us gals, each to different degrees. He has given us "everything we need" in these areas so that we can do the tasks to which he has called us, but how many of our own struggles are because we follow our nature? We do what comes naturally to us, and so it seems right at the time...but if it is not Christlike, then it is not the way God intended us to use those resources that he gave us "naturally".

To refer to a recent post (here), we have to find balance between knowing and accepting what God gave us, and not being so comfortable with our "nature" that we ignore how Satan has used it against us. We have to be aware of both extremes - being too comfortable, and too uncomfortable.

No longer can we use what comes "naturally" to us as a justification for doing things that God would not claim - yes, God made us how He made us, but if we arent using what He gave us how he intended then we falling short of what we could be doing for Him.


For me, this thinking brings this verse to light a bit more ...

"Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires."

Romans 8:5

Just because it is natural to me, is not warrant to misuse my resources ..God specifically states that the Spirit cannot work under those conditions.


Blast ..I got more work to do than I realized ;)

On learning

I went to the library today with my kids and found myself pondering a phase I am in these days. In working on my other blog, Domestic Disarray, I found a quote that really spoke to me - "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful" (William Morris). This quote is currently my driving force for all aspects of my life - my house, my things, my ideas, my activities, everything.

So with that in mind, I have made some decisions about the important things in our life. One such thing is that I want to fill our lives with that which is superb and thought-provoking and beautiful. So much in our world today is just plain crap. It's poorly conceived, poorly constructed, poorly executed. So I have decided to immerse myself in those things that through generations people have declared "worthy". Just as a way to indulge in this little quirky moment in my life.

As an example - my husband and I are watching "classic" movies - those movies that have stood the test of time and audiences and have been deemed valuable. And I am reading books that have inspired millions over generations. (Starting today with "The Name of the Rose" by Umberto Eco. Can't wait to dive in!) And I am seeking out ways of doing my daily tasks that are simple and full of life. I'll let you know how it goes.

But one area that I find myself pondering over and over again is the area of learning. I have to say that I love to learn. Really I love it. I have an insatiable appetite for learning. It's not the knowledge I love. It's the experience. The feeling of your head filling with new ideas and new connections. And I want to pass this on to my children. I want them to believe that every moment, every thought, every conversation is an opportunity to learn and to grow. Because I do believe that growth only happens through learning, in whatever form it takes at that moment. I want to work with my girls to inspire curiosity and amazement. But how do I do that? How do I make every moment (or as close to every moment as I can muster) a chance to learn? I'm working through that these days - I'll let you know what I come up with. In the meantime, what are your thoughts on it?

On Love and Longing, Part 1

When I think of entering heaven, I picture waking up in a field.

I have no idea where I got that image from, and I think it is a fairly recent development, but I definitely have clear visions of "coming to" in a sloping meadow surrounded by rolling hills and little yellow flowers and a bright blue sky with a light breeze. (Wow, writing it all out sounds a lot more detailed than it is in my mind.) And in my mind's eye, the way I put together that I'm dead is that Michael is sitting there grinning at me.

And it is Michael, jubilant Michael, that I want to see. And now, it is also Uncle Rob, walking proudly toward me, beaming from ear to ear.

And that strikes me as a bit odd. I mean, shouldn't I want to see...um...God? The Bible doesn't even make it explicitly clear that heaven is a big reunion with all of our loved ones. After all, Jesus says that people are not married in heaven. Who's to say that we even know each other? So...it seems a bit misguided that my defining pictures of heaven are of people I might not even see, rather than the God who created me.

But here is my new conclusion to that conundrum: I believe that in picturing the people I loved most on this earth, I am picturing the clearest conception of God that I have.

For some time now, I have struggled to figure out how my natural love for my family fits in to Jesus' admonitions to hate your father and mother and His praise for those who leave their families to follow Him. I just haven't been able to see how my familial love and His words are compatible. But I think I am beginning to understand.

I believe that storge love, the Greek word for love of family, is a gift that God gives us in order that everyone might see His face. Storge love is supposed to be completely natural, and the fact that it often isn't speaks to our depravity. Because that love is a gift. And the reason that God gives us a degree of natural love is because that is His essence. He exists in love. In Matthew 25, Jesus tells the people that when they served "the least of these" in love, they were serving Him. What I get from that is when we love people actively, we meet God in them. Thus, actively loving our families allows us to see God. And that's why when I picture reunion with God, my clearest picture is my brother.

The beauty of Christianity is that storge love is only a starting point. As amazing and powerful as it is, it is merely a doorway into agape love, which is unconditional love for everyone. Storge is merely the deposit that shows us what love can be. Agape breaks that amazing love out of the relatively narrow confines of blood relations and spreads it to the world. The more we embrace agape love in our lives, the more we see the face of God. The more we agape, the more we know God and experience God. The more we agape, the more we live life to the fullest.

And that's how I reconcile my deep, abiding love for my family with Jesus' call to serve everyone. We serve others, not at the expense of our family, but in addition to our family. Jesus' words about hating/leaving our family are just a strong way of warning us not to stop at storge love, but to pursue agape. Storge love is like the talent that the king gave his followers, in Jesus' parable. Agape love is how we multiply that talent. When we neglect agape for the sake of storge, we misuse God's gift to us.

This line of thought excites me. It not only helps me to understand the relationship b/t my love for my family and my love for others, it also shows me how that love is one of the most powerful ways to know and to see God.

More on being an emotional creature

In pondering further what it means to be an emotional creature, I want to expound on my last posting. I read the comments, and it reminded me again what a difficult subject emotions are to deal with fully. The response to my last post was one of concern over the unrestrained expression of emotion. That fear is one many parents grapple with as they try to raise their children to be civilized adults. Watching their children scream in rage during a tantrum makes them, as it has me about my own children, to wonder if their children will ever learn to cope with strong emotions. The best research in child development says yes they will, if their parents teach them the tools they need to cope. But parents can also make a decidedly negative impact in their development by stunting their ability to experience and express these emotions.

Children who are taught that emotions are inappropriate because of gender (i.e., you shouldn't cry because you are a boy) or virtue (i.e., you should be strong and being strong means not showing emotional weakness) will grow up to be adults who are not fully developed emotionally. These adults often require counseling to learn the skills they were not taught as children.

To further clarify, let me give you a few scenarios of adults and how they might handle strong emotions.

1) A man has had a difficult day at work. When he arrives home, tired and angry, he finds his child has broken something valuable in the house. He gets even angrier and beats his child. This man feels and expresses a very deep emotion, anger. But is he fully realized in his emotional development? Absolutely not. His response to this emotion is child-like in its unfettered aggression and is extraordinarily hurtful to those around him. This man experiences but cannot express emotion properly.

2) Another man is in the process of getting divorced. He tries to be strong for his children, but the stress and sadness of the end of his marriage takes its toll. Unable to let himself grieve for his loss, he begins drinking to forget the pain. Is he fully realized in his emotional development? No. His response to sadness is not to allow himself to acknowledge it but instead to self-medicate with alcohol. This man cannot allow himself to experience his emotions, much less express them properly.

3) Another man is struggling financially and sits down with his wife to talk about their circumstances. He acknowledges his anger over her seeming carelessness with spending and explains his frustration in dealing with a tight budget and his fear for their future. He asks her for her help in maintaining their budget. Is he fully realized in his emotional development? Much more so. I'm sure this man does occasionally lose his temper and says things he doesn't mean, but he makes an effort to acknowledge his feelings and to respond to them in a constructive and loving way.

So what does it all mean? For me and my family, not much except to keep doing what we are doing. We try day in and day out to teach our kids about emotional expression, just like we do about friendships and healthy food and God's love for them. But just as I get angry when parents do not teach their children to be nice to others or to enjoy healthy food, I find myself angry when they do not encourage healthy emotional development in their children.

Sometimes, even more so. For the way we deal with our emotions impacts our decisions about food and our ability to maintain healthy relationships and our understanding of God. Without healthy emotional experiences and expression, we can't live as fully functioning adults. And if we as parents don't teach it to our kids, neither will they.

Perspective is Everything

I dont have a fabulous quote for you girls.. :) but I have been pondering deeply about how much perspective plays into our relationships in our lives.

Now, I am not talking about just how we see a certain situation (aka, their kid has cancer and mine just has a cold) but how our view on life in general and overall plays into our relationships.

Our perspective on how we see ourselves...as important to the system around us, or being run over by it
Our perspective on how we see the world around us ..as safe, or out to get us
Our perspective on conflict ..if it signifies failure to connect, or nutures it
Our perspective on disagreement ..as a challenge, or an encouragement to think differently
Our perspective on change ..as a good thing, or something that strikes fear in your heart
Our perspective on marriage ...as a fly by night institution or a permanent gig
Our perspective on our strengths ...as making us better than the next gal, or a tool in the hand of God
Our perspective on our weaknesses ...a sign of impending failure (yet again!), or a challenge to be better
Our perspective on criticism...a challenge to my character, or chance to improve myself


Our perspective effects everything we think and the ways we react to people, no matter what relationship we have with them.

Also interesting to me, is how a change in perspective or having the wrong perspective can change everything!  So often, in the midst of a conflict with someone it is easy to see how a simple change in the way they see the overall picture can change their anger to compassion, their frustration to patience or their right to wrong.

The key, is being willing ..ever willing, to change the perspective that you have. If not change yours, then simply be wiling to see anothers' point of view. 

I am praying alot right now, that God will shake up the perceptions I have that are not right. I am praying for Him to move me to the vantage point that I can see things from a more godly angle, so that my perspective is based on truth and not my own opinions.

Any thoughts?