"I am an emotional creature. I am connected to everything and everyone. I was born like that. Don't you dare say all negative that it's a teenage thing or it's only only because I'm a girl. These feelings make me better. They make me ready. They make me present. They make me strong.... What we would all be if the big door inside us flew open. Don't tell me not to cry. To calm it down, Not to be so extreme, To be reasonable. I am an emotional creature. It's how the earth got made. How the wind continues to pollinate. You don't tell the Atlantic ocean to behave.....I am an emotional creature. Why would you want to shut me down or turn me off? I am your remaining memory. I am connecting you to your source. Nothing's been diluted. Nothing's leaked out. I can take you back. I love that I can feel the inside of the feelings in you, even if it stops my life even if it hurts too much or takes me off track even if it breaks my heart. It makes me responsible. I am an emotional, I am an emotional, devotional, incandotional, creature. And I love, hear me, love love love being a girl." --Eve Ensler, I am an Emotional Creature
Melodramatic. Irrational. Emotional. High-maintenance. I have been told all my life that I feel too deeply, express too fully, experience too strongly. I have been told that I shouldn't be angry, I shouldn't be sad, I shouldn't be feeling. I know better now. As Eve Ensler writes, "I am an emotional creature." But really, so should all the people around me.
Too many people in our world collapse in on their emotions, afraid the wall will crumble and their vulnerability will show. Their machoism and brash demeanor hide that which we all feel - sorrow, excitement, joy, anger, hatred, love, jealousy, caring. I have always felt for them. But now I loathe them. As a mother, I have the unending task of molding my children in fully functioning human beings. It is my duty to ensure their growth is not stunted by these small people who think we should not feel.
"Why are you crying like a girl? Boys don't cry. Quit being such a girl."
So went my daughter's lesson in gender roles, through the mouthpiece of her friend's dad to his son. My beautiful girl watched her friend ridiculed for acting like a girl, the way that she is created. And she learned something. Something that I fight daily in this life. My daughter learned in those harsh words that boys can't cry. Boys shouldn't feel. And worse, that her girlhood is of less value because emotions make us weak.
I have often railed against the emotional repression we as a society experience. My husband has nodded his head and muttered supportive phrases. But he realized the heartbreak of it when his little girl told him, "My mommy cries because she's a girl. I'm a girl. You're a boy. You don't cry because grown-up boys don't cry." I watched that man struggle as he tried to undo that knowledge she'd gleaned from the world. Because no matter how much we try to tell her that's not true, at three years old, she already knows that it is.
I, too, think it is a little bizarre the way our society puts value judgments on gifts from God. Logic is a gift from God. And so are emotions. Both of those gifts are tools that God Himself displays throughout Scripture, and they can both point us to Him. The problem is that, in our fallen humanity, they can both be distorted. When we repress our emotions and instead attempt to rely on cold logic, we are suppressing part of the divine nature that has been given to us. Similarly, when we ignore all logic and act simply according to how we feel at the time, we neglect a valuable tool that God gave us to navigate through this world.
ReplyDeleteBut even trying to talk about them as separate entities is somewhat futile. Emotions and logic are not separate compartments in our brain that we turn on and turn off as needed. Rather, they almost always work in connection with one another. When we deny that fact, we are in danger of some pretty massive self-delusion. We might fool ourselves, for example, into thinking that our anger is a totally rational reaction to our circumstances, or that our logic is not driven somewhat by our personal feelings on the matter at hand.
To me, the key is not to embrace one over the other, and when we exalt emotion too much, we are simply making the same mistake that our society at large is making, only in reverse. Instead, I think we should try to explore both sides of our personhood, and to harness each side to God's glory.
That's my two cents; what do you think?:)
I am in the middle of an emotional situation right now, so I may be somewhat clouded as far as my view of all of it ..but I think that emotion is well and good, as long as one takes responsibility for its role in their life.
ReplyDeleteI think that emotion is something that is needed, like Kim says ..you cant have one without the other. We need both even to be the kind of brother, sister, friend and mother that God wants us to be.
BUT, I get frustrated when emotion is used as an excuse for every behavior regardless of how it effects others. If you feel deeply, then respond thus, then feel that how you respond is justified because you "felt" it, then I think you give yourself a bit too much freedom when it comes to how you relate to others.
I have often struggled with responding to my husband in anger. I say things I dont mean because I am angry, or feeling emotional about something. Regardless of what I feel though, I remain responsible for my words and my reactions. Feeling doesnt give us warrant to say and do what we want to, just because what we feel is natural to us.
Girls do that alot, I think ..we say what we want to when we want to, and we get permission to do so because we are girls. I think even girls need to learn to balance emotion with our minds so we can use that emotion correctly.
I think that is what I want to communicate to my boys too..emotions are a good thing, but they require control and they arent free of your taking responsibility for them. Being angry isnt a reason to hit, being frustrated is understandable but doesnt justify ugly words or physical violence.
I agree with all of what you girls say, but I think the issue that gets clouded is one of feeling versus acting. I can feel angry. It is my right to feel that anger and acknowledge it and even express it. But the actions I can take on that anger vary widely and that is what we should be accountable for. Like you said, I can't behave any way I want because I am angry - as a fully functioning human being, I must be able to express that anger in a constructive, non-hurtful way. In a way that furthers peace and encourages growth, not stunts either.
ReplyDeleteAnd as a mom, it is my job to teach my children how to correctly label their emotions, to understand the reasons they feel them, and to respond appropriately. As a small example, my daughter was playing in the pool with her friends when one of them splashed her. As a pretty typical 3 year old, she was upset and started crying. We talked about how instead of crying, she should nicely ask her friend not to splash her anymore because she doesn't like it. In doing so, we acknowledged that his actions upset her and taught her to express that she was upset in a way that would help their friendship grow. This kind of dialogue can help kids to learn that emotions are real and valid but also that there are appropriate and helpful ways to express that emotion.
Kim also mentioned a story from her childhood today that highlighted another issue - getting to the heart of why something is upsetting. When a child cries or gets angry, instead of saying "don't cry. there's no reason to be sad. it's okay" or something else equally as useless in the long run, taking the time to find out why it is upsetting can be helpful in addressing an underlying issue that might not otherwise come to light (i.e., the child feels out of control of a situation or overwhelmed by too many demands or scared or whatever). In doing so, we are continuing to assist them in their emotional development.
Okay, rereading my post I sounded a bit emotional myself :) What I should say ...
ReplyDeleteI think we have to teach our kiddos both what feelings they are having, which ones need to be nurtured, which ones need to be expressed, and which ones needs to be dealt with (and let go of).
Its hard to teach our little ones how to properly name and express all the emotions they are having, but you are right to say it is so important to do so.