Children who are taught that emotions are inappropriate because of gender (i.e., you shouldn't cry because you are a boy) or virtue (i.e., you should be strong and being strong means not showing emotional weakness) will grow up to be adults who are not fully developed emotionally. These adults often require counseling to learn the skills they were not taught as children.
To further clarify, let me give you a few scenarios of adults and how they might handle strong emotions.
1) A man has had a difficult day at work. When he arrives home, tired and angry, he finds his child has broken something valuable in the house. He gets even angrier and beats his child. This man feels and expresses a very deep emotion, anger. But is he fully realized in his emotional development? Absolutely not. His response to this emotion is child-like in its unfettered aggression and is extraordinarily hurtful to those around him. This man experiences but cannot express emotion properly.
2) Another man is in the process of getting divorced. He tries to be strong for his children, but the stress and sadness of the end of his marriage takes its toll. Unable to let himself grieve for his loss, he begins drinking to forget the pain. Is he fully realized in his emotional development? No. His response to sadness is not to allow himself to acknowledge it but instead to self-medicate with alcohol. This man cannot allow himself to experience his emotions, much less express them properly.
3) Another man is struggling financially and sits down with his wife to talk about their circumstances. He acknowledges his anger over her seeming carelessness with spending and explains his frustration in dealing with a tight budget and his fear for their future. He asks her for her help in maintaining their budget. Is he fully realized in his emotional development? Much more so. I'm sure this man does occasionally lose his temper and says things he doesn't mean, but he makes an effort to acknowledge his feelings and to respond to them in a constructive and loving way.
So what does it all mean? For me and my family, not much except to keep doing what we are doing. We try day in and day out to teach our kids about emotional expression, just like we do about friendships and healthy food and God's love for them. But just as I get angry when parents do not teach their children to be nice to others or to enjoy healthy food, I find myself angry when they do not encourage healthy emotional development in their children.
Sometimes, even more so. For the way we deal with our emotions impacts our decisions about food and our ability to maintain healthy relationships and our understanding of God. Without healthy emotional experiences and expression, we can't live as fully functioning adults. And if we as parents don't teach it to our kids, neither will they.
I hear you ..and I think as a mom of boys that I can understand the importance of it. I want my boys to be strong, and may find myself demanding more of a stoic response to their emotions than I should.
ReplyDeleteI will readily admit that as a non-dramatic person I tend to be a bit sensitive to overt expression of extreme emotion. I tend to get frustrated in that situation, sadly..even with my children. I can see, that if I dont understand how important the expression of my kids' emotions are, I can hinder their own development in a big way.
I think talking about what they feel is a biggie for us ...making sure that we verbalize what is going on and the reasons why they react the way they do.
I am dealing with that with my 5 year old. He has a hitting problem, and we have determined between he and I that he responds such when he is frustrated. Sometimes his frustration is anger based, and sometimes it is simply irritation that he is expressing. I think it has helped for him to identify when to expect that impulse, and hopefully chose to resist the urge.
I want my babies to be well adjusted men, despite my raising them ..thanks for the reminder friend :)
I think you hit the nail on the head when talking about our different viewpoints. After hashing it out together further, I think that we are all pretty much on the same page. To me, this whole discussion really validated the point of this blog:). I feel that I have been able to more fully explore an important part of being a parent, and that this discussion will definitely help me to be more purposeful in how I react to my children.
ReplyDeleteJust for the sake of pondering, I have been thinking more about emotion v. expression. And while we are all on the same page in that regard, I do think I might be on a different place on the spectrum than Molly when it comes to the validity of emotions themselves. I definitely agree, 100%, that you cannot help how you feel. However, I believe that one part of becoming a fully actualized person is in understanding what situations are worthy of what emotions. I vividly remember in high school, being very upset when I lost a tennis match. I would cry in the car on the way home, and my mom would fuss at me and tell me that the purpose of tennis was to have fun, and if I couldn't have fun playing a silly game that didn't mean anything in the big picture, then I shouldn't play it at all. I would then try to convince her, through tears, that I really enjoyed tennis, and that I wanted to keep playing.
Now, my mom probably didn't handle that situation perfectly. But I did see what she was saying. Though I did NOT like her fussing at me at the time, I do feel like I needed some kind of attitude adjustment. I do believe that, in the big scheme of things, tennis is not worth being so sad and upset over, and that a mature person needs to realize that. To get that upset over a game is to completely lose perspective on the situation and on the big picture of life.
Now, I'm sure that there are better ways to help your teenager understand that, but I do think that we SHOULD help our children prioritize and gain perspective. In that sense, I do believe that some emotions, while not invalid exactly, are not appropriate for the situation, and that their presence represents a skewed viewpoint that we as parents need to correct. A person who goes through her life breaking down, or internally feeling deep sorrow, at every minor setback does not have a fully developed existence.
I think the difference b/t our viewpoints is quite small. In practical execution, in terms of the way we handle the situations with our kids, I think there is no difference at all. I think the only difference is in the view of the emotions themselves. In my opinion, some emotions are not worth experiencing, and they reflect a selfishness or a skewed reality. However, as a parent, my job is not to judge the emotions of my children, per se, but to help give them a perspective of the world that allows them to experience emotions in proper proportions. And "proper proportions" will vary according to the disposition of each child, and they will ultimately have to determine for themselves what those proportions are.
Does that make sense?:)
That absolutely makes sense, and like you said earlier, I think that we really are on the same page, but we might understand the semantics of it differently.
ReplyDeleteFirst a sidenote on where I'm coming from - I think a lot of my perspective stems from my background in psychology and development and can sometimes come across as too touchy-feely. But that's where I come from. And I tend to think of emotions and emotional regulation as something that develops as kids grow up. So yes, my two year old WAY overreacts to things because she's 2. And while my job is to help her learn to regulate those emotions, they will also regulate themselves to a degree as she grows. Just like her body will develop to allow her to jump higher and run faster, her mind will develop to allow her a more nuanced emotional response to situations.
But back to the point...
Like I said earlier, I think we probably are coming from the same place, but that the way we think and talk about it are different. For me, I think that helping her learn to regulate her emotions is not the same, in my mind, as telling her that how she feels is inappropriate. Based on her knowledge and experience, her feelings are completely appropriate (like you said, it comes from a selfishness). But it's my job to expand her knowledge and experience to further her ability to regulate her emotions - if she never learns that losing is a part of life, she will never learn not to react strongly to losing. You see? So I think that it's not my job to tell her she shouldn't be sad. It's my job to teach her about losing and the point of the game, which will help her in the future to respond more acceptably to losing. And some of that lesson will involve talking about appropriate emotional responses - "instead of being sad over losing, we should remember how much fun we have playing", but I don't think that lesson should involve telling her that her sadness over that match is inappropriate. Like I said, based on her experience, that sadness is justified.
I feel like I'm going around in circles here for some reason. Am I making any sense?
In other words, my perspective is that the feelings she has at any moment are appropriate from her point of view. My job is not to diminsh those feelings but instead to change her point of view so that future situations won't elicit the same reaction.
I agree that some emotions are "inappropriate" for a situation - like getting overly upset at losing a tennis match...at least from the perspective of an adult. And that life lessons - like losing - are important to learning the "proper" response to that situation. But in that moment, when your child is crying because they lost, I think it's good to acknowledge that losing can be tough but that if we want to keep competing we have to learn to lose, and win, gracefully.
And I think your mom is right - there is something to be said for doing things because you enjoy them, not because you win at them. And that too is an important lesson, especially for perfectionists like me.
i hope I didn't lose you way back - my brain is not fully functioning at the moment and I don't think I'm making much sense.
What are your thoughts?
I think that I feel differently about this depending if we are talking about children or adults ..yeah, I do.
ReplyDeleteI think dealing with our kids is as we all say, and all agree on. We need to allow them to feel what they feel, teach them appropriate responses and guide them when their response is not. As kids I think we need to nurture that exploration and respect what feelings they identify in themselves.
I am not sure at what the shift in my own mind happens, but I know that I get really frustrated with the idea that all feelings are right, and feelings are feelings (again, I am talking ADULTS here) and that they arent right or wrong.
I know that we cant help the initial feelings we feel ..of course. If we feel anger or whatever, that is the result of all kinds of things that we may have no control over. I think though that there are alot of feelings that are just not appropriate ..like feeling selfish or unreasonable levels of anger..that have to be let go or denied totally.
I say this from the perspective of someone who has experienced the "its just how I feel" from the other side of it. Its frustrating when you are left to deal with someone ELSES emotions that are simply not appropriate, because that is the way they feel ..end of story. Like feelings trump everything else.
I think we have to teach our children to explore their feelings, determine what you are feeling and then ask God t help you deal with them appropriately. And, to realize that there are some feelings that you just need to let go, in order to be mature and grow into better relationships with others.
Also, we need to teach them to take responsibility for those emotions. Someone doesnt "make" us angry, for example. The world is not responsible for the feelings what you feel, you have to learn to identify and deal with that on your own in a personal way.
I think a well adjusted adult also, will learn to take responsibility for how their emotions effect others. Our emotions are NOT our own all the time, when we react to them ways that effect others.
I think that brings me back to what I was trying to say before ...emotions have their place, and are necessary part of a wonderful, well adjusted life; but you are responsible for them ultimately.
Okay ..clearly you hit a nerve Molly! I am dealing with a WAY more emotional person than myself right now and there is a "feelings" wall that I keep hitting in communicating with her. I dont disregard feelings (truly, I am quite emotional myself given the right opportunity) but just feel they require a degree of control and to not make them every one elses job to maintain :)
Let the record show that I Molly's response there was not there when I started my comment :)
ReplyDeleteI think that you are right, Molly to say that we cant label an emotion of a child as right or wrong. I think that is where the respect thing comes in. I wouldnt think twice about comforting a child who things the end of the world is coming if, say the kid down the street told him that she sees ghosts in our house and he is truly terrified by it (sheesh ..stupid kids from the neighborhood ;)
I know I do a mental shift when it comes to adults. I think at that point you should be able to ascertain which feelings are right and appropriate and which need to be kept to yourself and worked through. I think that there ARE times when it is appropriate to label a feeling as wrong.
I dunno ..am I wrong to say that? Truly, tell me if I am ..this is good for me.
I'm not sure where I stand on deeming someone else's emotions as valid or invalid, though I definitely agree that adults (and kids, too) should always be held responsible for the actions that result from their emotions.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who was born a deeply emotional creature, I have found that my life works better when I do judge my own emotions and deem them valid or invalid. Some might consider it unhealthy to suppress or deny emotions, but I see it as taking ownership. What others might consider oppressive, I view as empowering.
Case in point: Greg routinely leaves his clothes on the floor. Clothes on the floor do not bother him one bit. They do, however, bother me, and I found that I got angry as I picked up his clothes every day. I mentioned this to him, and while he was receptive, let's just say that clothes on the floor continues to be a part of our existence:). So, faced with the recurring scenario, I have three options: 1)I can elevate the discourse (to put it mildly) and continue to insist that he pick up his clothes, 2) I can get cool with clothes on the floor, or 3) I can lose the anger. Pondering those options, it has occurred to me that I am the one who is bothered by the mess, I am the one who is home all day, and so perhaps it is possible to spend less than a minute each day picking up clothes without burning with anger. So...rather than having a running conflict with my husband, and rather than resigning myself to messiness, I find a solution that makes us both happy, namely, that I chill out about picking up clothes each day. Thinking it through like that and putting the situation in perspective helps me to realize that being angry at my wonderful husband because of where he leaves his socks is really not a valid emotion, in my opinion. Understanding that fact helps me to set it aside and allows me to live a harmonious life with Greg that is devoid of lingering resentment over clothes on the floor.
That kind of self-regulation has been extremely helpful for me. On the contrary, when I find myself being overwhelmed by emotions and giving inappropriate vent to them, I end up feeling weak and powerless. It kills me to be enslaved by my emotions, to the degree that I act in ways that I don't want to act. Instead, I work to overcome them and do what I cognitively believe is right. That sounds really negative on emotions, and I don't mean it to be. Everything I've said before still stands. I still enjoy emotions, and I still believe that they are from God. Right now, I guess I'm talking more about emotions like anger and fear and stress (not sure if those are all emotions, but you know what I mean:)). The bottom line is, I'm a big believer in taking ownership of my feelings. If I didn't, they would most certainly take ownership of me:).
Btw, I hope this is fun to everyone else, b/c I am having a blast:). Thanks for helping me think and ponder!
ReplyDeleteCourtney - I completely agree with you about differentiating between kids and adults. My point at the beginning of all of this was my frustration with parents who do not respect their kids emotions due to their own inability to fully regulate or express their own - specifically a dad who thinks it is weak for a man and even a toddler boy to cry (and draw for that matter. his exact words were, that doodlepro is a girl toy...here's a gun. real boys play with guns...don't get me started on all of things wrong with this particular situation...).
ReplyDeleteBut the deeper issue for me is that these kids who are not being allowed to develop emotionally will become those adults who cannot regulate their own emotions and express them properly. Which just plain causes problems for all people involved in their lives. Even me, the mom of their son's friend. And it teaches my kid the wrong lessons, which ticks me off. Especially about something that I feely deeply about.
Kim - I think that you and I really are talking about the same thing but our words are getting in the way. I think you are saying that you believe some of your emotions to be valid reactions to a situation and others not to be. And those that are invalid, you choose to change. I agree, except that I wouldn't use the words valid or invalid.
The way I understand it is that regardless of whether or not you "should" be angry, at that moment you are. And that is a real and valid reaction in my mind. This issue though is whether anger is a worthwhile reaction. For me, it's not worth being angry over the clothes on the floor, so I choose to find a way to not be angry about it in the future. In my mind, doing something about it is a worthwhile and productive choice that allows me to lessen my anger over the situation, whereas simply being angry about it, at the possible expense of marital happiness, is not. Do you see the distinction I'm making? Like I said, I think practically we are on the same page about it, but we use a slightly different language to explain it. What do you think?
Furthermore, I like where your thinking is going about the intersection of will and emotion or reason and emotion. I have experienced irrational anger (both my own and other people's), anger that is devoid of all reasonable thought and control. And I hate it. I've also experienced unfeeling reserve - when Kevin was deployed, there was too much to feel for me to live my life without him, so I chose not to feel it. I refused to let the fear and sadness affect my life, mostly because I did not have a safe outlet for my emotions. The people around me were not willing to allow me to grieve his absence. It took me a long time after he got home to work through all of those emotions that I avoided while he was gone.
I think that neither extreme is healthy. God gave us the ability to feel and the ability to rationalize through our feelings, and I believe that we can and must use both at all times. Doing so allows us to make choices that can help us grow and help those around us grow. Got to go for now, kids are screaming upstairs ;)
Love it! :)
ReplyDeleteMe, too! I actually feel now that I agree completely with everyone, even though I'm not sure if that's possible:). This was fun!
ReplyDeleteI hear you Mollygirl - I just got off on another tangent that you didnt intend on :) Thanks girls ..this has actually helped me think a bit more objectively about my situation with my mom and I will certainly ponder more carefully when I react to the kids emotions in the future :)
ReplyDeleteBut what I love about your tangent Courtney is that this blog gives us a place to look at all of those tangents and connected ideas and thoughts that normally would swim around in our heads while we try to wrestle a kid into bed while she screams "but I want to go to the pool!" I think it makes me a little more sane and definitely more thoughtful!
ReplyDelete